Problems with the mother-in-law – normal?

            

Self-help groups for mother-in-law victims

That this is not always so easy, you can see a thousand times in Internet forums. They read of stingy, hideous women who make the lives of their daughters-in-law hell. Of pests who interfere in all especially in the parenting . And of mothers-in-law, who are not afraid to urge the son to part with his sweetheart. There are even self-help groups in Germany that only deal with this topic. All the more surprising are the results of some representative surveys. They show that mothers-in-law are much better than their reputation. "A good two thirds of all women have a good relationship with their mothers-in-law," says psychologist Dr. med. Andrea Kettenbach from the Fern-Universität Hagen. By the way, men seem to be especially happy with their mother-in-law.

Mother-in-Laws Are Much Better Than Their Reputation

But why is he so bad, the call of the mother-in-law? Kettenbach suspects that historical reasons play a role. "Not even a hundred years ago, after the wedding, the woman moved into the man's parents' home," she explains. The mother-in-law had been a kind of teacher to her – and a landlady who often preferred her own daughters. In addition: "If it really crashes with the mother-in-law, that really tugs at the nerves," says Felicitas Heyne. Exactly these women then bustle on the Internet and vent their anger.

problems? Causes mostly misunderstandings

The triggers for an argument are usually quite banal. "Unfortunately, women tend to read minds and interpret glances," says Heyne. From a "who looked at me but funny" or "have you heard in what tone she has said that again?" then sometimes a tangible conflict – which can emanate from both sides. This happens above all when two completely different characters meet: the cool North German mother-in-law and the talkative Rhinelander, for example. "Misunderstandings are usually only a matter of time," says Heyne. It becomes critical when the suppressed anger smolders in the air for years – until he eventually becomes a bushfire. It is better to say the same opinion, Heyne thinks. "But please factually and constructively and in no case with emotional outbursts and tears."

Four different mother-in-law types

Openness and honesty are the guarantee for harmonious cooperation? It is not always that easy, even if you try to be calm and understanding with each other. After all, they exist after all: those mothers-in-law who court their son like a jealous wife. Not infrequently, their own problems are behind this: the "empty nest syndrome", for example, the fear of loneliness when the children leave the house. Mother-in-law who behave like that are part of type two of the mother-in-law typology Andrea Kettenbach created for her doctoral thesis: lying, envious and jealous. She interviewed 34 women about her mothers-in-law, whom she then assigned to four different types. In addition to the evil guy, there is the loving, caring mother-in-law, the annoying but useful mother-in-law and the partner's defensive, but also disinterested mother.

Partner has a key role

How difficult the relationship to the mother-in-law is depends on the partner . "If he allows his mother to harass his wife, he's definitely complicit," says Heyne. She does not accept sentences such as "Do that under you". "The man has to put his mother in check when it escalates," she says. So that it does not come at all, she recommends not to screw the expectations at the beginning too high. "The mother-in-law does not have to be the best friend right away," says Heyne. That's not what you expect from a new colleague. You would rather get to know each other in peace and focus on the similarities that you have: the love of the same man, for example.